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NEWTING: THE ART OF PUTTING YOU FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH


We newts have a unique perspective on the world.  From the ceiling, the world is upside down.  We see reality for what it is — a set of beliefs that can be turned easily on its head.  I call it "newting".

Take the Palestinians, for example.  A complete invention if you ask me.  Why?  I'll tell you.  Can they vote for me?  No.  Can they support my campaign?  No.  Above all, are they newts?  No.   For me, therefore, they don't exist.  Unlike my rivals, I am not groveling to Israel.  No.  I just solved their problem.

That's me:  a problem solver.  I can solve the problem of illegal immigrants, the unemployed, the homeless, in exactly the same way.  My reasoning?  Impeccable.  My logic?  Unassailable.

It takes flexibility of mind to warn those that will listen that the U.S. could be headed to becoming a "secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists" (2011).  If you disagree, I would like to ask if you are sure radical Islamists believe in God.  They don't  believe in mine … ergo … they are atheists.

But have faith.  "[Newts] like me are what stand between us and Auschwitz" (1994).  And be careful, the Democrats will only bring "the joys of Soviet style brutality and the murder of women and children" (1980s).

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