Battery Powered Bras


Lydia Sargent

Welcome
to Hotel Satire where men are people and gals are their bra size. Yes, Gals,
it’s important that we focus constantly on our breasts— when we’re not
obsessing about our looks/weight/ crotches.

To this end,
Janie, Susie, Mary, and I decided  to have coffee in the Hotel Satire
coffee shop to share information on the latest breast developments, so to speak.

Mary, of course,
was late. She’s a big traveler and had just returned from a cruise aboard the
SS Lane Victory where she experienced firsthand the thrills of World War II—
guns thundering, "Nazi" fighters attacking, American aircraft saving the
day. All this and a delicious buffet lunch.

Susie and I,
being a bit younger than Mary, are hoping they have a Vietnam War Cruise where
we can thrill to the Gulf of Tonkin, the Tet Offensive, the slaughter/maiming of
the indigenous population. Not to mention a swell buffet.

Susie, Janie, and
I passed the time while waiting for Mary by discussing the latest fall fashions.
By the way, did you know that "fashion moves to its own beat?" (NYT,
September 5, 1999). Anyway, a current fashion trend is the one- size-fits-all
drawstring petticoat, inspired by the underskirt of the Victorian era (worn over
a wire bustle then). Today, the once- hidden petticoat is worn on its own, for
both day and evening.

Susie was so
taken with the convenience of wearing undergarments without having to put
anything on over them (not to mention the fashion-based-on-Victorian era, where
gals were trussed up like chickens), that she is planning to wear a petticoat,
should there be a Vietnam War Cruise.

Finally, Mary
arrived, flush from the excitement of WWII bombings and buffet. After getting a
full report on the cruise, we moved to the topic at hand, the ever-important
discussion of gals’ bra sizes and the breasts that go with them. Janie led off
with a report, based on her study of mainstream media. "I think we can
summarize the situation," she said, "by saying that pre-millennium gals are
of no interest unless they’re sexy. And the way to be sexy is by showing
breasts in bras. It doesn’t matter whether she’s a CEO, a neurosurgeon, or a
soccer star, it’s her bra size that we’re concerned about.

"Check out
Brandi Chastain, that gal’s World Cup Soccer star," says Janie. "She takes
off her shirt after scoring the winning goal, and makes the front page of every
newspaper, even gets to be a Playboy centerfold, soccer ball
strategically placed." Janie alerts us to an article in Business Week
where the author Mark Hyman writes: "Women, I have it on good authority
(namely, my wife), will always treasure the image of 90,145 fans in various
stages of hysteria gathered for the title game at the Rose Bowl…to celebrate
an exceptional group of female athletes. Speaking for the men, however, I can
say confidently (if a bit sheepishly), the Kodak Moment of the day was the sight
of Brandi Chastain—in all her muscular glory—doffing her shirt."

"You see,"
Janie said. "If a gal is sexy and shows a little sports bra/skin, then maybe
we’ll watch her kick a ball around. But for no other reason."

Susie jumped in
with a recommendation that we subscribe to Sports Illustrated for Gals,
where they keep us current on things like "10 Great Sports Bras."

"This is baby
stuff, " I say. "How can we talk about breasts without mentioning the
current medical breast breakthrough reported in Allure magazine?"

"What break
through? Did they discover a cure for breast cancer?" queried Mary.

"No, I said.
"Although Saks Fifth Avenue is trying. They’re donating 2 percent of their
sales for four days to national and local breast cancer charities."

"Wow, 2
percent," Janie says, "I love that Saks. No crass marketing ploy here. They
really care. I saw their 8-page breast-cancer-as-sexy-fashion-spread in the NYT
of September 19, 1999. I love that target plastered across those sexy gals’
breasts."

Susie adds, "I
hope Saks cares enough to do the same thing for prostate cancer."

"Please," I
say. "I don’t think a target plastered over a man’s genitals is very
tasteful."

"Why not?"
Susie says.

"Are you
forgetting that men are people, and gals are their bra size?" I shout.

"Sorry," says
Susie, "you’re right."

"Thank you,"
I say. "Getting back to the medical breast breakthrough —you’ll never
guess—it’s a battery-powered bra!!!"

"What?" they
shout.

"Here’s the
deal, as reported in Allure in an article titled ‘Vacuum Stack-
ed’," I said. "It’s all about how to increase your breast/bra size
without implants. Here’s how: For at least ten hours a day, for ten weeks
straight, you wear two hard plastic domes, about an inch deeper than your
breasts, connected by tiny tubes to a small power pack, all held in place under
a sports-type bra.

When it is
switched on, the air is vacuumed out of the domes, and the breasts are sucked
forward. This causes the breast tissue and nerves to grow. Ten weeks later, your
breasts have increased from a 34A to a 34B.

"Allure
says that almost 127,000 gals had implant surgery last year. Bio- mecanica, the
Miami based company that developed the device, is betting that millions more
will opt for bigger breasts if scalpels and sacks of saline and silicone
aren’t involved."

"They’re
right about that," says Mary. "I’d much rather get my breasts sucked into
plastic domes than have them cut open and stuffed. Who wouldn’t?"

"This is
clearly a medical breakthrough of some kind—to be able to have bigger
boobs." says Susie.

"The bra’s
price, by the way, will be around $1,500 to $3,000," I point out. "Of
course, the motor is a bit noisy and the bra is gross looking, and it’s gonna
be hard to play soccer with the thing on, or go on a WWII nostalgia cruise, or
do anything in public for that matter, but so what? At least, as the
manufacturers say in their ads, ‘Mechanical forces are not known to be
carcinogens’."
                     Z