elcome to Hotel Satire where
men are in command and gals are not, thank goodness. These days
there’s been a lot of criticism, anger, and even outright hatred
directed toward our government, especially our beloved president.
For no reason whatsoever!!!!
The Hotel Satire gals are writing this column on Valentine’s
Day, a day when men bring frilly cards, flowers, candy, and heart-shaped
pendants on gold chains to their best gals; and where those gals
scream ecstatically cause nothing says lovin’ like a few consumer
Of course, we’ve never been sure what Hallmark cards and candy
have to do with St. Valentine and the origins of this holiday, which
remain mysterious (but no matter). We love the legend that Valentine
was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor
Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those
with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine
defied Claudius and performed marriages for young lovers in secret.
When Claudius discovered this, he ordered that Valentine be put
to death. When in prison, it is said that Valentine fell in love
with a young girl and before his death wrote her a letter, which
he signed “From your Valentine.”
Hey, there’s nothing like a tale of emperors, prison, and death
sentences to inspire elementary school kids to make Valentine cards
out of construction paper and doilies. We are overwhelmed with love
(we’re talking xxx, ooo) for our country and the men who run
it. We dedicate this column to them.
We love President Bush for all the things he’s done for us.
For his trillion dollar military budget to keep us safe from those
murderous Iraqis (or is it Iranians?) who are threatening to invade
our shores. Plus, getting that nuclear power program going makes
us just radiate with love.
We love Bush even more for his cutbacks in healthcare, education,
Medicare, family literacy funds, college tuition subsidies, food
stamps, etc. The government shouldn’t be in the business of
giving handouts to the undeserving. Those folks need to learn to
stand on their own two feet, the scum (we say that with love).
We especially love the Busher for ordering governemnt spying on
U.S. citizens and then lovingly declaring, when criticized by bleeding
heart liberals and radicals, that “the Constitution is just
a piece of paper.” Especially lovable is a new kids page on
the NSA website, which we hope will enable kids to feel the love
for their parents by spying on them.
We are feeling mucho love for Vice President Cheney because what
gal wouldn’t love a man who hunts birds with shotguns and feels
love and forgiveness for his friend who got in the way, damn him.
That’s the kind of attitude we need in charge of our foreign
policy—somebody who can hunt down helpless creatures and blame
the victims for any collateral damage that might ensue.
When Cheney said in an interview (
, February 16) that
the shooting accident was the worst day in his life, we were shot
full o’ love for him. You gotta be crazy in love with a man
who regrets “accidentally” shooting someone more than
his complicity in dropping tons of bombs on third world countries.
We love the Winter Olympics’ commentary. Who cares about bobsledding
and other winter sports where somebody wins by a nano-second? What
we love is the personal stories about the athletes’ health
issues, like all the diseases they have survived and all the near
death experiences their coaches, parents, and siblings have undergone,
not to mention the many tear-filled, flag-raising, U.S. National
Anthem-playing award ceremonies. Feel the pride!
We also love having a TV news reporter doing commentary at the opening
ceremony so he can update us on how overjoyed Mongolia was to have
a U.S. president visit their country for the first time and how
evil Korea is and what a human rights violator China is—and
how some ungrateful countries are violence-prone and still others
are poverty-stricken, inspite of all the loving the U.S. has given
them. When the continuously-running soundtrack of 1980s American
pop hits played “Freedom” while the U.S. team marched
into the stadium, we almost went into cardiac arrest from feeeeeling
We are, of course, filled with gratitude and love for the
swimsuit issue released every February. It helps
remind gals that sports should be about men. Half-naked gals frolicking
with erect nipples in the blue waters off some Caribbean island
are substitute trophies/gold medals for the men/winners to ravage
in the pages of a magazine or while on a free trip to Disneyland.
Above all, we love corporations for continuing to turn everything—
politics, feelings, culture, sports, clothing, etc.—into sales
opportunities. Special love goes to Filenes, a department store
based in Massachusetts (which is going out of business) for turning
the civil rights struggle in the U.S. into a shopping expedition
to their Cambridge store’s lower level to see and hear Dr.
Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “I Have A Dream” speech
while taking advantage of the many discounts.
We love the company that has turned sincerity into sweater sales.
It seems Evo Morales (newly elected president of Bolivia) has provided
folks with a fashion opportunity. Who cares about conditions in
Bolivia or the U.S.’s (loving) involvement there when a Bolivian
sweater mania is going on. Shops in La Paz are selling up to 300
acrylic Evo pullovers a day. The
New York Times
, in an article
titled “The Fashion of the Populist,” reports, “‘We
saw his dress as an act of sincerity,’” said Raul Valda,
the owner of the Punto Blanco textile company, which is reproducing
the sweaters Mr. Morales wore in Europe.”
Much love goes as well to Chrysler for making clear that movies
are really about product placement. For instance, Harrison Ford’s
is about seeing the Chrysler 300C featured
Most of all we love the advertisers who are now allowing us to own
an ad! The
reports, “Companies hope to
mimic the success of music downloads in offering Super Bowl commercials
to iPod, computer users…to download their favorite beer commercials
and watch them on video iPods, laptops, and computer screens”
(there were 50 ads during the Super Bowl). Wow. Feel the pride.
Download the love.
Sargent is on the staff of Z and is a playwright, actor, and director.