Patriotism Is An Olympic Event


Lydia Sargent


Welcome to the
Satire Hotel, a place where the unpatriotic are in jail, suspected terrorists
have been shipped to an island off the coast or bombed back to the stone age,
and patriotism is an Olympic event.

Yes, ever since
that fateful day in September, we gals at the Satire Hotel have been trying to
figure out how to best express our patriotism, no matter what. After watching
the opening ceremony at the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, we knew what we
had to do: we had to lobby for patriotism as an Olympic event. How could we do
this? By holding our own Patriotic Olympics for the Gals at Hotel Satire.

By the way, if
you missed the Winter Olympics opening ceremony, let me recap. They began with
shots of New York City—the Statue of Liberty, the missing twin towers of the
World Trade Center, grounds zero, a moving voiceover. I know you’re asking what
that has to do with the Olympics, which are supposed to be above politics, and
the answer is who knows, who cares, this is America, we’re hurting as no other
country has, so shut up. Of course, if Japan had begun their Winter Olympics
with shots of the atomic bomb exploding in Hiroshima, that would have been
blatant politicking and a gross violation of the Olympic spirit.

There were some
wonderful effects and skating around and so on, but the real highlight was the
Five Nations of American Indians coming together, drumming their support for
America, with not a single whine about how we slaughtered them to the point of
extinction, then relocated/imprisoned them on barren reservations, giving them
the right to own casinos but little else. To mention genocide at a time like
this would have been unpatriotic and worthy of imprisonment.

Then, after the
Indians (Native Americans to you radicals) had finished, pioneer wagons came
skating across the stadium, square dancing joyfully, having made a home for
themselves in the West. The announcers talked about the hardships, with no
mention of the wiping out of the Indians, thank goodness. What can be more
patriotic than turning genocide into a happy hoedown. God bless.

Throughout the
performances, we were treated to U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan, where they seem
to have TV’s on the battlefield, watching the Olympics and chanting, “U-S-A,
U-S-A! Of course, if the Vietnamese ever hosted the Olympics and showed the
Vietnamese civilians, who had been permanently maimed by U.S. cluster bombs
during the Vietnam War, watching the Olympics on TV, chanting V-i-e-t- n-a-m,
that would be a gross violation of the Olympic spirit.

The crowning
moment was when President Bush opened the games, sitting amidst the U.S.
athletes, talking on a cell phone with one of the athlete’s family. Nothing
expresses the coming together of athletes from all over the globe to break down
national barriers like an American president sitting with American athletes,
waving American flags, after an American policeman/rescue worker has just sung
God Bless America to a stadium filled with Americans.

Inspired by the
events in Salt Lake City, the gals at Hotel Satire Patriotic Gal competition
held at the Hotel Satire Figure Skating stadium. Thousands participated and the
finals were held just last week before a panel of judges from various Fortune
500 corporations, including AOL Time Warner, Enron, AT&T, Yahoo.com, Exxon,
Lockheed, SmithKline Beecham Pharmaceuticals, and many others.

As an aside,
while I didn’t compete, I did design the Patriotic Olympic outfits pictured
here. What says athleticism and patriotism for gals more than a furry hat and a
dress resembling a night gown?

The first
finalist was Betsy who skated out carrying the American flag, looking the
picture of health, and pushing a cart full of prescription drugs. Betsy was
heavily favored for this event as her husband was the CEO of Exxon, not to
mention she was a WASP and a member of the Daughters of the American
Revolution—understood to be required elements for any patriotic competition. She
performed a triple flip jump to expose her crotch three times, while making a
phone call to her doctor to ask him about a number of drugs she’d seen
advertised on TV!!

The crowd
response was weak and a bit confused, until she pointed out that, (a) between
1996 and 2000, the amount of TV advertising money for drug ads had increased
from $220 million to $1.6 billion (Boston Globe, February 14, 2002); (b)
the total amount spent on drug promotion to the public had grown by 70 percent;
(c) she didn’t need these drugs, she was just taking them for the hell of it—a
patriotic act if there ever was one. Not only that, she added, she was going to
be in constant contact with her doctor—who would be standing by, as all doctors
are. Then she popped in a Paxil, recommended for those suffering from something
called General Anxiety Disorder, i.e., uncontrollable worry, anxiety, fatigue,
etc. Paxil works to “correct the chemical imbalance that can cause this
disorder.” Side effects include fatigue and tremors, so Betsy patriotically
popped in something else to offset that. Plus, it’s nice to know that anxiety
has nothing to do with a failing economy or anything else; that it’s just a
chemical imbalance.


The crowd went
wild when the judges posted Betsy’s scores: 5.7 for technical merit, 5.8 for
presentation across the board. Good scores, but clearly she was marked down for
only doing a triple jump, thereby limiting crowd glimpses of her crotch.

Sally was the
next competitor. She skated out, carrying cheerleading pompoms. Then she did a
perfect layback spin while singing God Bless America, shaking her pom poms, and
exposing her crotch 15 times—a Patriotic Olympic record. Then she stopped,
executed a spread eagle jump while shouting “Go Patriots!!” Then Sally looked
directly into the TV camera and shouted, “I’m going to Disney World.”

There wasn’t a
dry eye in the place. Her performance went a long way toward healing this
nation, a nation that has suffered more than any other. The judges put her in
first place.

Amanda competed
third executing a perfect combination move, a tribute to all gals—athleticism
combined with humiliation. First she did some fancy straightline footwork down
the entire length of the rink. Then, she performed a quadruple crotch exposure,
then knelt down on the ice and became the legs of a coffee table, while waving a
flag from her butt, and singing God Bless America (see graphic). The judges put
her in second, indicating they perferred Disney World visits and rooting for NFL
football teams named The Patriots to gal-as-coffee-table.

The next
competitor was Elizabeth and her performance was elaborate, involving a movie
screen, movie theater seats, popcorn, and Twizzlers. She skated to a seat and,
exposing maximum crotch and massive cleavage, she proceeded to watch snippets
from Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and every other sequel ever made. Then she
told us why. It seems that AOL Time Warner has engaged in the patriotic practice
of treating movies as product lines. “’The movie industry has learned that they
are, in essence, producing consumer product’,” says Richard Bilott, a media
analyst at Morgan Stanley” (Boston Globe, February 11, 2002). Amanda also
reported that, “No other studio now has so aggressively embraced the franchise
strategy—films, TV spinoffs, product tie-ins, movie soundtracks, promotional
websites, multimedia—in which films are no longer movies but brands.” What could
be more patriotic than that? Elizabeth took over first place.

Gwen was the
final competitor. She sat, center ice, watching a video of the Olympics as her
patriotic act! Not only that, she fast forwarded over the sporting events and
watched only the commercials and the awards ceremonies for American athletes!!
Not only that, she was one of the 10 million households to have the new Wink
Communications satelite box that allows viewers to interact with the
commercials, expressing interest in a product or clicking a button to order a
product.

Well, I can tell
you, when we saw Gwen’s performance—the stamina it took to sit for hours
watching TV commercials and then interacting with them, we were sure she had won
the competition. Then we saw the judges scores: 5.7 for technical and 5.8 for
artistic marks across the board, except for the Enron judge who gave her a
second place mark. The crowd was outraged. Protests were lodged, and it came out
that the Enron judge had cheated and everyone calmed down. After all, cheating
(not to mention lying, stealing, cooking the books, shredding documents, etc.)
is part of the patriotism that is America.

Goodbye, for now,
from Hotel Satire. We trust that all upcoming Olympics will be moved to the US
of A, the country that has suffered the most in this century. Not only that, we
feel that an American athlete should get the gold medal, whether he/she competes
or not. Because America means patriotism and patriotism should be an Olympic
event.                             Z