The Church of Chastity Belts

mostly gals) should refrain from having sex until they are in
a monogamous marriage when, presumably, sex will not cause
STPs, pregnancy, and heartache. We saw vivid slides of the
ravages of herpes, chlamydia, human papilloma virus, all
prepared by an Austin, Texas group called Medical Institute
for Sexual Health (MISH). We learned the shocking statistic
that less than 7 percent of men and 20 percent of women ages
18 to 59 in this country were virgins on their wedding night!
That’s a lot of social evil.

We also attended a rally of the Pure
Love Alliance, a non-profit group of 700 virgins and
"renewed virgins" promoting chastity before
marriage (signs read: "Condoms Don’t Protect the
Heart"; "Sex Can Wait"; "Virgin: Teach
Your Kid It’s Not a Dirty Word."). Said one gal rally
speaker: "Abstinence is not a restriction. It makes you
free–free from STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and heartbreak.

The impetus for this abstinence movement
has come from right wing Christians (God love em, and he
does) and the recent welfare law passed by Congress, who, by
the way, are experts on sexual abstinence and monogamous
marriages. Part of this law includes $250 million funding for
abstinence-only education in all 50 states. The statute says
things like: "A mutually faithful monogamous
relationship in the context of marriage is the expected
standard of human sexual activity." The money cannot be
used for programs that encourage factual discussion of
contraception, abortion, homosexuality, or the use of condoms
as a means of avoiding STPs.

I can’t tell you how inspiring this was.
Naturally, we took our preteen and teen daughters along to
the rally. (We didn’t take our teen sons, because, let’s face
it, they’re going to have sex. I mean boys will be boys. We
also didn’t take our husbands because, well, you know how men
our. It’s their natures.)

We also like the Sacred Chaste movements
emphasis on positive approaches to abstinence. The
Washington, DC school systems have a "Best Friends"
mentoring system that’s been in effect for a decade now.
Pregnancy rates for young women are dramatically lower.
"Best Friends" starts with fifth and sixth grade
girls, offering them a positive sense of their life’s
responsibilities, reinforced by relationships with adults
(they don’t seem to have a program for boys, probably because
they also realize that boys will be having sex–we’re not
sure who with, but the less said the more funding we get).

Also at the rally we learned that the
average age of marriage is now 27 for men and 25 for women,
so this movement really has its work cut out for it. That’s
why we gals decided to help the Sacred Chaste movement out by
forming The Church of the Sacred Chastity Belt. Rallies and
educationals are fine but sometimes you just have to get more
militant. At the Church of the Sacred Chastity Belt we use
the same fear tactics as the Sacred Chaste movement, but we
also use the tried and true Billy Graham technique of getting
young gals so moved by the Abstinence message that they come
forward to the altar. Then we whisk them downstairs and clamp
that chastity belt in place after taking a $50

We are also blocking the entrances to
Women’s "Clinics" all over the country, and when
gals try to get in or out, we snap those belts in place. And
we are currently lobbying for legislation that would require
chastity belts for all girls from puberty to marriage (we
don’t see the point of chastity belts for boys, because,
let’s face it, boys are going to have sex, no matter what).
If our legislation passes, that belt will stay on until the
wedding night, there’ll be none of this having sex once you
get engaged. What was good for the Victorians is good for the
st century. There were no social
evils back in the good old 1880s.

But there’s another reason we decided to
start The Church of the Sacred Chastity Belt. There’s another
movement afoot. I don’t know if you’ve heard about it: it’s
called Virtual Simplicity. According to the
of May 30, it’s a new American faith which
Phoenix calls "The Church of
Thrift." It’s about middle class people, who can’t
afford stuff, getting rid of what little they have as a
political statement so they won’t feel bad about not being
able to afford stuff. I’m sure you’ll agree that sexual
abstinence is good for the country, but economic abstinence
is not. It’s anti-American, anti-democracy. Democracy means
shopping incessantly. It means choosing between Pepsi and
Coke (possibly Mountain Dew); Nike and Reebok (possibly New
Balance); McDonalds and Burger King (possibly Wendy’s).

It occurred to us that these Just Say No
movements might be the cause of all this un-American activity
by the middle class (by the way, not buying stuff if you’re
working class, or living below the poverty level, means
you’re poor; not buying stuff when your middle or upper class
means you’re subversive or making a statement worthy of
notice in a counterculture paper like the
whose survival depends on selling stuff to the middle class.)

What if Sacred Chaste carried over.
Saying no to sex, drugs, and rock and roll is a good thing,
but saying no to toys at Christmas is not good at all. It’s
anti-Jesus, therefore anti-democracy.

Fortunately, we gals happened to read
about a British study of buying habits (
, "Sex and the Forgetful Shopper").
The results of this study have led research psychologists to
conclude that sex and shopping are inexorably linked! What a

Yes, researchers found that women with
disappointing sex lives get a buzz from shopping. There is a
sense of it being an illicit thrill, forbidden fruit
(especially if you can’t afford it and must run up the credit
card). When they shop, women linger, men get it over with.
Women are turned off by having to take men along when they
shop because it’s like taking your husband along on a date
with a lover.

At Hotel Satire, we thought, Why not put
these two together–Sacred Chaste meets the Shopping Buzz. In
fact, we almost got the feeling that the Sacred Chaste
movement was created because gals have been having sex willy
nilly, causing a consumption crisis and threatening corporate
profits, oops, I mean democracy as we know it.

Spurred on by the British research, the
Church of the Sacred Chastity Belt doesn’t just focus on not
focusing on sex. We have a positive spin to our campaigns, by
offering shopping as a substitute for sex. We’ve had hundreds
of "Just Say Charge It" rallies at shopping centers
and malls across the country. First we scare gals about the
dangers of STPs, pregnancy, and emotional heartbreak. Then we
work the crowd into a frenzy, so to speak, by presenting
visually enhanced products for sale right there and then. We
always offer some products that are "illicit."

For instance, there are two items that
have been recently banned, and they caused a real stir, if
you catch my meaning. There both computer games.
"Carmageddon" was taken off the shelves at
Wal-Mart, the other was taken off the Internet. The purpose
of Carmageddon was to mow down as many pedestrians as
possible with your choice of rip-snorting machine.
Pedestrians were depicted as the scum of the earth,
borderline "sociopaths, i.e., Nazis, rednecks, black
pimps, OJ clones, punk rockers, nerdy Wall Street types, and
nympho leather queens.

The other game was based on the massacre
of 16 children and their teacher in Scotland. It invited
players to shoot at children; those who hit all targets with
the fewest bullets were awarded fictional accolades. We
can’t believe these games were censored. Pre-marital sex
is immoral and disgusting and evil, but selling stuff for
profit is a sacred thing.

The Church of Sacred Chastity Belts will
be coming to your town mall soon. Come on down. Bring your
daughters. Don’t bother with your sons, because,
let’s face it, they’re gonna have sex. Enough said.
And don’t bring your husbands, because, well, you know
how men are about you know what.