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2008 Presidential Elections


As we look back upon another stellar year here in these United States of America, Inc., let us say thanks for all we have, and what the hell, even more thanks for all that we don’t have. And while we’re at it, let us also take a peek ahead.

Here we are, only a few days away from the year 2008.  And what a landmark year it is sure to be. Whether you prefer the radiating dazzle of an economic crash or celebrities’ gravity-defying dance moves, 2008 has something exciting in store for you.

Probably more than anything else, all of us regular folk look forward to some good ol’ American-style entertainment known as elections, especially when it comes to the grand pappy of them all – The Presidential Race. More than ever before, this coming election’s roster of presidential candidates is very promising. Since we are all so very busy shopping and working, and haven’t necessarily had enough time to purchase the latest CMD (corporate media decoder), I present you with the a quick and easy summary that should help you make this most important of decisions.

  • Rudolph Giuliani – A real-life hero in his own mind and petty crime fighter extraordinaire, Rudy is also quite a formidable opponent with mad street cred. We wait with bated breath to see if his comb-over and lisp will serve as endearing assets or will lead to his political demise.
  • Hillary Rodham Clinton – Setting up Hillary for the alley-oop reverse windmill slam-dunk is none-other than Magiiiiiiiiiiic Johnson! Boy, I just can’t wait to see how Magic’s world renowned court vision and passing skills help us win the next war against those dastardly islamofascistnarcoterroristgodlesscommieevildoers. At the very least, we know that Hillary will ensure that all us Americans are guaranteed the finest healthcare available. After all, that’s why she’s been collecting all that money from the healthcare industry.
  • Barack Obama – Nobody, and that includes President George W. Bush himself, sounds better than Barack Obama. Suave, black, eloquent, Oprah, young. In a word, Obama. The end of racism is finally at hand. Please believe it.
  • John Edwards – Fighting poverty with one hand, while combing the slickest coiffure since Liberace with the other hand, John Edwards is hot! Look out rich and powerful, if Edwards wins, your days of lavish luxury are over.
  • Mitt Romney – Boasting truly presidential looks that make even the most apolitical commoner buckle at the knees is Mitt Romney. As governor of the great state of Massachusetts, Mitt was a pioneer of the bleeding-edge healthcare policy that imposes fines on anybody who can’t afford to pay for healthcare in the first place. Nobody brangs it like mormon Mitt. Plus, Mitt Romney is just a super cool name and you know it. Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt!
  • Mike Huckabee – Who is that in Huckabee’s corner? KAPOW, it’s Chuck Norris! Vote for Huckabee, or Chuck will personally slam you with a roundhouse kick to the jowl.
  • Ron Paul – The only candidate (other than Chris Dodd) with a duo-syllabic name, Ron Paul has his Libertarian minions chomping at the bit. Has the gilded age of true free market capitalism at last arrived on our shores? Can we finally put an end to all these laziness-inducing and oppressive concepts of "human rights" to food and water?
  • Dennis Kuci…ah, who cares.


Who will dye his/her hair? Who will loosen his/her tie? Who will raise the most money? Who will hug the most glamorous celebrity? Who will appear to be the most beer-drinking-worthy?
Stay tuned folks…only 10 months to go and we will have our next Mr/Mrs America.





Tal Ariel is a wage slave, husband, composer, pianist, activist, avid Zmag/Znet reader, and now probably even considers himself a writer of sorts. He’d be thrilled to receive your questions and comments at [email protected] but cannot guarantee an intelligent response.

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