Torturing the Tongue


In the extremely depressing times we live in we should be thankful for all those who make us laugh in any way and for whatever reason. One of these fine people of course happens to be none other than our beloved Bush Jr., the most unwittingly witty of all US Presidents ever.

If there is anything that the current US regime of George Bush Jr will go down in history (no other way but down) for it will be thanks to the significant contributions it has made to the English language and global humour. (God forgive them for they know not what they do)

From innovative terms such as ‘illegal combatants’ to the truly mystical concept of the ‘known unknown’ Bush and his henchmen have ‘creatively destroyed’ the language and enriched it greatly in the process. All of which is inspiring me to follow suit and coin new phrases, terms and words that can only help us all communicate better with each other.

Here is a small sample of the endless possibilities, now that our minds, tongues and scruples have been liberated by King George the Reprehensibly Incomprehensible.

Human Frights: The principle that it is the right of the US administration to perpetually frighten all those who come in their way of global domination. Eg., US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld applauded the human frights situation at the Abu Gharib prison in Baghdad yesterday.

Preventive Wipes: The act of wiping out evidence that could prove troublesome on a future date. Eg., The White House did a preventive wipe by making key portions of Bush Jr’s National Guard service records disappear mysteriously

Market Farces: A situation that occurs when those with all the money force the market to behave in a farcical way. Eg., Oil prices did a market farce last month when global hedge funds decided to make maximum profits out of their investments in oil futures.

Pirate Pauperty: Property acquired through piracy of public assets and the pauperisation of poorer people dependent on these assets. Usually occurs in societies which have gone through a long period of market farces.

Thief-Executive-Officer: That’s an easy one to explain. Kenny Boy, Kenny Boy, Kenny Boy …….

And here are ten new words that are crying out for inclusion in all our dictionaries:

Fuzzydent: A fuzzy President of course, who knows nothing about nothing but prattles on like a puppet on Prozac- smirking and finger-stabbing empty air once in a while.

Strattergist: Somebody whose strategy is in complete tatters. Usually wears a spectacle, a serious look, frowning a lot while mumbling non-sequiturs.

Ediotor: That’s easy too- an editor who also happens to be an idiot. Plenty of them around in the mainstream press these days. They usually have slick hairdo though.

Correspondon’t: Correspondents who can occupy an entire page of newspaper space but don’t tell the truth. Tend to be the favourites of their ediotors.

Corponations: Corporations that are bigger and more powerful than entire nations. That’s where the world is headed- Corponations running their own free trade fiefdoms, with private armies and logos proclaiming, “I am the State”

Blatents: Patents that blatantly violate all norms of decency and the rights of most human beings. Eg., Monsanto filed a blatent for a new variety of seeds that when cooked and consumed refuse to exit the human body without payment of a premium to the blatent holder.

Freedumb: The freedom to be completely dumb. The system works best when accompanied by something called the Patriot Act.

Dumbocracy: Buy the people, off with the people, far from the people- are three principles of any good dumbocracy.

Illections: Elections that make the entire population sick because they don’t have a decent choice of candidates to vote for.

Justease: When justice becomes a big JOKE.

The spell check on my pirated MS Word is freaking out now. Feel free to add to the growing list.

Satya Sagar is a writer, journalist, videomaker based in Thailand. He can be contacted at [email protected]

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