Doth Cal Thomas Protest Too Much?

Bible-percussing columnists like Cal Thomas seem to enjoy parading their neuroses before the op/ed-reading public. You would think they might be ashamed of their twisted, atavistic views, but alas, not a chance. Some wags uncharitably opine that Cal and his ilk lack an essential organ. Not true! They have brains, of a sort. They just refuse to fire them up too often, on the grounds that they seize up like an elderly Ford Pinto if a rational thought somehow infiltrates the tank. When one does manage to sneak in, Cal and friends cough and fart and shudder, spewing noxious exhaust from their asses until the fractious idea splurts upon the ground, where it can be run over and left for dead.
A favored subject? Them damn homos. Cal, for example, thinks that gays can, and should, be "converted" to straights. He rails against the American Psychological Association for promoting the eminently sensible position that homosexuality is within the normal range of human behavior and is not a "condition" requiring treatment. The American Psychiatric Association dropped homosexuality from its list of mental disorders (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) 35 years ago.

Homosexuality has existed throughout human history. In Ain’t Nobody’s Business If You Do: The Absurdity of Consensual Crimes in Our Free Country, Peter McWilliams notes that

homosexual behavior has been recorded in every culture that kept detailed enough records. Sociologists and anthropologists have documented homosexual behavior in every country on earth, including in tribes that had no contact with outside human beings until the arrival of the anthropologists. Any behavior observed among all races, all peoples, all cultures, and in all countries throughout all recorded time must certainly be considered natural for humans.

Since this behavior is natural, at least for some, then there is really nothing to treat. Yet Cal calls for "reparative therapy" for unhappy homosexuals, so they may overcome what he characterizes as immature, unhealthy, and sick behavior, and return to the heterosexual fold. He does not realize unhappy gays—and no data indicate that gays are any more unhappy than straights—are unhappy primarily because of the persecution they must continually endure from people like Cal. People who have a prodigious infatuation with how and with whom others achieve their orgasms. Why are they so grotesquely interested in others’ sexual proclivities? As Freud, stroking his beard, might have said, "Veddy eenterestink."

Almost invariably, when scratched deeply enough, most Cal-type homophobes whip out their favorite talisman, the Bible. Waving it about and running in circles to ward off the gay bogeyman, they quote passages forbidding homosexual behavior. See! Right there! Leviticus 20:13! Romans 1:26-27! Feces 12:34! Greeks 5: Dodgers 2!

Biblical proscriptions mean squat. Less than squat. If we followed every ridiculous, archaic, savage stricture and diktat set forth in the Bible (1) anesthesia could not be used during childbirth; (2) uncircumcised boys would be punished; (3) a man who refused to impregnate his widowed sister-in-law would be executed; (4) likenesses—photographs, paintings, statues, etc.—could not be made; (5) no work of any kind could be done on Sundays, under penalty of death; (6) fathers could sell daughters into slavery to pay debts; (7) stubborn or rebellious children would be slaughtered; (8) no one could eat blood, fat, pork, or shellfish; (9) hired help would have to be paid every day; (10) cloth garments made of two kinds of materials could not be worn; (11) those who blasphemed against the name of the "Lord" would earn the death penalty; (12) slaves could be kept and must obey their masters; (13) "heathen" friends and family members would be killed, as would any man showing contempt for a judge or priest; (14) nonvirginal brides must die; (15) virgins who suffer rape would have to marry the rapist; (16) money could not be lent at interest except to foreigners; (17) men could divorce wives simply for displeasing them; (18) children must be beaten with rods; (19) women could not braid their hair nor wear gold, pearls, or costly attire; (20) women would have to be submissive to men at all times and would be prohibited from teaching men or having authority over them; (21) adulterers and practicing male homosexuals must suffer death; and on and on and on, ad nauseam.

Must everyone cleave to this pathetic bullshit?

Even the most pious American Bible beaters ignore most of the more ridiculous biblical prohibitions. And they have no problem forgetting even the Decalogue when it suits their purposes. Case in point: the current occupant of the White House, who makes much of his love for Jeezzuss, yet disregards the Sixth Commandment, having slaughtered at least one million Iraqis.

Yes, these people are quite selective in which proscriptions they follow and which they conveniently ignore. So why should any rational human being pay attention to anything the *cough* Good Book says about homosexuality? People will love whom they love despite what long-dead primitives supposedly said about the matter in some farcical “holy” book selectively written and rewritten and translated and mistranslated innumerable times over hundreds of years.

As for Cal Thomas? Well, the rumors of his, umm, "unnatural" behavior with his Dachshund and a bowl of cherry Jell-O are just that—only rumors. Anyway, Willie (the Dachshund) is three, which is twenty-one human years, and unmarried. And the bowl of Jell-O freely consented. So let’s all just mind our own business, shall we?

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