to Hotel Satire where gals flock (in droves) to escape the latest
lesbie-feminist (i.e., terrorist) onslaught on gals’ God- given/Pope-perpetuated
role as reproductive receptacles.
is the latest lesbie-fem onslaught,” you ask? Well, take a
look at a recent ad for the French fashion house of Marithe &
Fran- cois Girbaud that depicts Leonardo da Vinci’s “Last
Supper” with a female Jesus (in designer clothes), female Apostles
(also in designer clothes), and a half-naked, clinging man. According
article of March 11, the French Roman Catholic Church
filed suit and won a ban on the billboard version of this ad, but
the print version will continue to appear. In the lawsuit, the Church
charged that the ad “had misused a religious image and offended
a group of people because of their religious affiliation….”
It’s not about misusing religious images. This ad is a subliminal
coded message that lesbians are plotting to take over…something.
Jesus! The image of that Jesus gal being crucified in that outfit,
not to mention the high heels, is scary. Plus, that ring the Apostle
gal “Peter” is wearing: would it become the “rock”
upon which “she” builds her church? Yikes.
get us wrong, we do not object to using art, religion, or anything
else to advertise products—far from it. Using the original
“Last Supper,” with Jesus and the Apostles enjoying a
bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, would have been okay with us.
But depicting gals as the divine offspring of God, not to mention
having a guy appear half nude—and clinging!— while the
gals are fully clothed, is definitely out. Or take the “Creation
of Adam” by Michelangelo Buonarroti, which shows clearly that
God (and by association the Pope) is in charge of reproduction/creation.
By the way, this painting would work nicely as an ad for Bell telephones
(logo strategically placed) or for Bowflex exercise equipment, what
with the display of muscles. But turn God into Goddette and Adam
into Eve? You must be kidding?
can we stop the fem-terrorist onslaught? Well, we are hopeful that
Pope John Paul’s passing (and the election of a new Pope) will
reawaken people (and gals) to God’s job assignments on earth,
i.e., that the Pope is in charge of gals’ reproductive parts.
Yes, the Pope is God’s CEO; gals are His receptacles, and men
are like God, only not God, if you know what we mean. Can you just
weep with the beauty of this arrangement?
must be watchful of any attempts to reorder God’s gender assignments—religious
or otherwise. Take the secular painting of “Washington Crossing
the Delaware,” by Emanuel Gottlieb Leutze depicting the heroism
of one of America’s founding fathers. If a corporation wants
to update this painting with heroic U.S. troops, led by a modern
day George, as an ad for Johnson & Johnson gauze bandages, that’s
okay. But substitute gals in Donna Karan dresses and six-inch heels
for those heroic revolutionaries? Never.
the heroic and manly painting “Cavalryman’s Breakfast
on the Plains” by Frederic Remington. If companies want to
use this painting to promote, say, beef or beans or Campbell’s
soup, it’s fine with us. But substitute gals in this painting
and what are we saying? That gals can actually sit astride horses
and protect citizens? That it’s okay for groups of gals to
be hanging out on the Great Plains, carrying GUNS, with no men in
charge of their crotch areas, not to mention their internal organs?
No. The Pope is turning over in His grave.
are any number of paintings that advertisers could use to display
gals in the proper manner, as determined by our beloved Pope, may
He rest in one piece. Take “Guernica” by Pablo Picasso.
This painting (retouched), with gals in designer outfits and three
inch heels all screaming in pain from, say, acid reflex, could promote
proper galness and sell large quantities of Prevacid. Andrew Wyeth’s
bleak “Christina’s World” could advertise Remax or
bras—“She dreamed of the perfect home in her Maidenform
bra.” Degas’s “Frieze of Dancers,” with ballerinas
all bending over to fiddle with their slippers, could promote Dr.
Scholl’s products very nicely.
Vermeer’s “The Milkmaid” could join the “Got
Milk” campaign. Sandro Botticelli’s “Venus”
on the half shell, with her left hand grabbing her crotch, could
be advertising Monistat 7, as she appears to be itching that special
area. Or she could be promoting the “New Diamond Right Hand
Ring.” You must have seen the ad, the one that reads, “Your
left hand says ‘we.’ Your right hand says “me.’
Your left hand loves candlelight. Your right hand loves the spotlight.
Your left hand rocks the cradle. Your right hand rules the world.
Women of the world, raise your right hand. A diamond is forever.”
(Wow, are they using feminism to sell monogamous, reproductive receptacleness?)
“Nude From the Back” could be an ad for Preparation H.
Or for cosmetic breast implant surgery. Is she afraid to show her
too small breasts, we wonder? Such an ad would be timely, as an
advisory board is currently looking into whether to recommend that
the FDA remove the ban on silicone gel implants (some have testified
that these implants are toxic, a suicide risk, cause extreme fatigue,
and silicone oozing from their scars; 264,000 gals received cosmetic
implant procedures in 2004, using other implant products. By the
way, the Pope should reclaim the right to make all decisions regarding
gals’ breasts, as they affect/enhance gals receptaclivity.
appropriate is Edouard Manet’s “The Picnic,” which
depicts fully clothed males picnicking in the woods with a nude
female; surely, the meaning is clear. She is as a piece of fruit,
a breast of chicken, a glass of wine, a pitcher of water; she is
an ad for Oscar Mayer weiners.
it’s fine for advertisers to use art, music, or whatever to
promote their products, but stick to the Papal/God approved depictions,
please: gals can be decorative receptacles—naked (or slightly
draped); they can be reclining, dreaming, reaching, napping, staring,
or (preferably) semi-comatose. Any activities should be domestic.
Also permissible are depictions of gals as equivalent to fruit,
flowers, and furry animals. Dancing is permitted with a man who
leads or with a group of naked gals—because paintings are for
men to look at and enjoy. Depictions of gals being ravaged by men
or mythical figures are permissible as long as the gal does not
resist and no birth control is used/advertised in the process.
brings us back to the Pope, God’s earthly CEO, not to mention
chief gynecologist in the hospital of life. How can we help gals
give their reproductive lives to Il Papa (or any of God’s other
gynecological conduits)? We were at a loss until we saw an article
, March 6, 2005 about “Iraq Culture Smart
Cards.” It seems that, as the U.S. “struggles against
the insurgency in Iraq, it is also battling for the hearts and minds
of ordinary Iraqis…. That’s a tough assignment for soldiers
who…must also avoid antagonizing the people they are trying
to help…. ” (Isn’t this touching? Note that killing/invading
are not considered antagonistic—and we concur.)
that end, the Marine Corps Intelligence Activity (MCIA), a branch
of the Marines’ intelligence service, has over the past two
years distributed thousands of “Iraq Culture Smart Cards”
to American servicemen in Iraq. ‘They are meant for the 19-
or 20-year-old soldier moving door to door in a hostile environment’.”
card is a laminated, fold-up guide to the country’s geography,
history, etc. MCIA has created similar cards for Afghanistan and
is considering cards for other nations. These cards teach all about
the Iraq culture and help the troops observe their patriarchy as
laid down by their particular God. Among the items in the cards
are: “Respond to a woman’s greeting only when she initiates
the contact. Allow her to shake hands using only her fingertips.”
And “don’t show women attention by addressing, touching,
or staring at them. Don’t ask direct questions of female relatives.”
what an idea. We are designing Papal Smart Cards, as we speak. They
should help counteract these lesbie-type “Last Supper”
ads. Troops of civilian soldiers, as it were, would go door to door
with these cards, to win back control of gals with advice like:
“Make sure she knows nothing about sex, birth control, and
the entire reproductive process.” “Don’t ask questions
of her, or address her directly, but inform her through the nearest
male relative all about the reproductive receptacle she was born
is co-founder of South End Press and
She has been
staff since 1988. She is also an actor and playwright.