There’s No Such Thing As Legitimate Rape Because There’s No Such Thing As Rape

Welcome to Hotel Satire where gals learn how to be the gals that God intended them to be—that is, not men. We had been enjoying our summer, what with the Olympics and the Republican Convention. (Our husbands didn’t let us watch the Democrats/Communists). Anyhoo, we were startled to see Mrs. Romney give a talk to millions of people in praise of mothers and homemakers and so forth, when she was clearly neglecting her god-given duty to be at home doing all the things she was praising gals for doing. How can we learn to be proper gals if the experts on the topic are behaving improperly? She should have been at home waiting to serve pot roast to her man, as well as hundreds of his campaign workers.


Anyhoo, another shock came with the ridiculous controversy over a remark made by Todd Akin, Republican Senate nominee from Missouri and current member of the House Science, Space, and Technology Committee. In late August, Akin explained his opposition to a rape exception for abortion by claiming that women don’t actually get pregnant in cases of “legitimate rape.” This was followed by attempts to explain what Akin meant by this.


In the process, we learned about forcible rape—the kind favored by most Republicans and Tea Partiers—one that occurs when a virgin or Christian mother or otherwise “innocent” woman, is carried away by a stranger at knife or gunpoint.


This led to revelations about Paul Ryan, the Republican candidate for vice-president. He was a co-sponsor of HR 3, the “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act” as well as the “Sanctity of Life” Act, a federal personhood law which, by declaring a fertilized egg a person, would outlaw all abortions, many forms of contraception, in-vitro fertilization, and many other interventions. Paul, we love you for caring. God bless.


Next, past comments were referenced, as the controversy raged on. In 1988, Republican State Representative for North Carolina, Stephen Freind,  said that the odds a woman who was raped would get pregnant were one in millions since rape causes a women to “secrete certain secretions that kill the sperm—assuming it really is rape.” Put Stephen with his sperm expertise on that Science, Space, and Technology Committee, please.


We also heard about the Texas gubernatorial nominee in 1990, Clayton Williams, who advised the victims of rape: “If it’s inevitable, just relax and enjoy it…like when you have picnic plans and there’s a thunderstorm.” Thanks Clayton for the advice. Perhaps the gal can serve chips and some chicken salad as well.


In 1997, Bush Federal Judge appointee James Leon Holmes wrote in an article, “Concern for rape victims is a red herring because conceptions from rape occur with approximately the same frequency as snowfall in Miami.” Such wisdom and attention to the weather.


Next came Idaho Senator Chuck Winder who, earlier this year, alarmed about housewives possible claiming rape in marriage, said, “I would hope that when a married woman goes into a physician with a rape issue, that that physician will indeed ask her…was this pregnancy caused by normal relations in a marriage or was it truly caused by a rape?” As if.


For weeks on end, we heard about no pregnancy rape, bad weather rape, no rape in marriage, forced rape, gray rape—sex that falls between consent and denial—and date rape.


After everything quieted down, we realized how much gals still have to learn about being gals, i.e. not annoying to men. We were ashamed that our men had to spend weeks arguing about what should have been obvious: that gals are vessels for men to do with as they please. Vessels don’t have rights, for chrissakes. Did you gals learn nothing from the Bible? God created MAN in His image and gals from one of MAN’s ribs, thereby granting all MEN the quintessential right to dominion over gals, including their innards. 


What do you gals think the story of the virgin Mary and the birth of Baby Jesus is about? God decided to get Mary pregnant. Has anyone ever accused God of rape? No, because it couldn’t have been rape because God is in charge of all wombs and MAN is His earthly penetrator/ womb manager and has access 24/7. The very essence of God includes, through the Holy Spirit or just plain godliness, the ability to determine who gets pregnant, whether by penetration or immaculate conception. Gals get to thank god for the privilege.


Therefore, there can be no debate about legitimate rape or anything other kind. Repeat after me, gals, “there is no such thing as legitimate rape because there is no such thing as rape.” Better learn this lesson. After Mitt and Paul are elected, they will surely ram it home.      


Lydia Sargent is co-founder of Z Magazine and has been a staff  since 1988.