Harper On Hunger Strike For Minority Rights

 OTTAWA – Bolivian President Evo Morales has recently started a hunger strike in order to put pressure on Congress to pass a law that would assign more seats to poor and Indigenous people. Right-wing opponents fear this would give Morales an edge in the legislature, and have mobilized against it. Morales hopes that his hunger strike will help to sway the vote. Perhaps inspired by Evo’s Ghandian gesture, Canadian Minister Prime, Stephen Harper, has opted for a hunger strike of his own.

As of Sunday, the Minister Prime’s office sent out a press release detailing the method to Harper’s madness. The press release stated that Harper will stop feeding on the bricks of condensed anger and pain sent to him by Canadians all across the country. Due to the economic crisis, and Harper’s initial stance that "Canada won’t be affected" by the crisis, followed by "business-as-usual corporate bailout measures", the number and density of the bricks have increased considerably.

In a recent press conference Harper stated that he wouldn’t be able to keep his sexy figure if he had to eat all of the bricks by himself. Harper stated, "There are just too many of them. I can’t let them pile up, either, or else someone might start noticing how many there are. So, I’ve decided to give them to Canada’s most at-risk minority."

Harper noted that he has always been worried about minority rights. "The rich are the biggest minority in Canada. It is important that in these tough economic times that their rights are maintained. Despite all the taxpayer money they’ve received, they are getting hungry. Their primary food source – the hopes and dreams of Canadian children – is becoming scarce, and they have massive appetites. It’s not like that’s something that we can change- its part of who they are. So I thought, why not share all of these nourishing bricks of hatred and suffering with them? After all, that’s what a strong Canada does – protects minorities and shares in tough economic times," he said.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" was the chanted question of a group of protesters at the impromptu conference outside the Minster Prime’s Ministerial Palace. Harper replied, "I would like to think of myself as a mixture between Ghandi and Tommy Douglas. Also Superman. Or wait, no; Batman. Definitely Batman." Harper hopes that Canadians will continue to do their part and send their bricks of condensed anger and pain to him so he can redistribute them to the rich.

"After all, I am the Almighty Minster Prime. It’s my job to deal with stuff sometimes. Whatever it takes, I will protect minority rights. No matter the cost to the public, I will protect the rich. Etcetera, etcetera. Is this conference done or what? Oh, and someone arrest those protesters."

Harper did not comment on allegations put forward in question period by NDP leader Jack Layton that the Minister Prime is substituting his diet of anger and pain with copious amounts of kitten pie. He did note that "Jack Layton has a moustache. You know who else had moustaches? Stalin and Hitler. There seems to be a pattern here, as all three are socialists."

Harper is expected to continue feeding the rich until the end of the economic crisis.

By Matt Loewen, Investigative Humourist…uh, I mean… Journalist? Yeah- Journalist. Right.


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