Armed, Cleavaged, and Legal




W

elcome
to Hotel Satire where gals come to learn how to be men’s decorative
appendages—as dictated by God in the Bible, uh, somewhere.
There has been some exciting news recently to help gals increase
their decorativeness. No, we’re not talking about the beauteous
holiday season, although it’s always good for gals to celebrate
“unto us a SON is born and he shall be called fantastic, etc.”
And about peace on earth goodwill to MEN-only while gals function
as receptacles. 


And we’re not talking about the exciting fall/winter college
and professional Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday night
football games, although it’s always good for a nation to see
men running, kicking, and smashing each other while gals cheer and
pose as sexually available decorations.  


We’re also not talking about Bush’s proposed troop increase
or the fact that the U.S. military is contemplating recruiting non-citizens
to fight for America, with citizenship promised in return. In an
article “Military Considers Recruiting Foreigners” from
the December 28

Boston Globe

, staffer Bryan Bender writes,
“The armed forces, already struggling to meet recruiting goals,
are considering expanding the number of non-citizens in the ranks—including
disputed proposals to open recruiting stations overseas and putting
more immigrants on a faster track to US citizenship if they volunteer—according
to Pentagon officials.” 


The article notes that there are precedents for the use of non-citizens—the
Revolutionary War; for example German and French soldiers served
alongside the colonists. Hmm. Wasn’t everybody pretty much
a non-citizen/foreign-born back in the 1700s? But we digress. 


At first the non-citizen recruitment thingie seemed confusing to
us gals with our pea-sized brains and all. Why was the U.S. government
kicking these immigrant types (i.e., inferiors) out and/or arresting
them if they attempted to cross the border if they wanted them to
serve in the military? Plus wouldn’t that mean that on the
occasions when U.S. troops were sent to patrol the Mexican border,
non-citizen troops would be arresting (even shooting at) other non-citizens?
We don’t really get it, but if  more troops and endless
wars help reminder gals’ of their roles as nurses and service
workers while men boldly fight and kill and die, then they must
be good. 


And our exciting news is not about the new reality show “Armed
and Famous,” where celebrities train for three weeks and then
become gun-toting cops as they are inducted into the police department
of Muncie, Indiana. They even have T-shirts that say “I was
busted on ‘Armed and Famous’” for arrestees to wear—in
prison, presumably. This kind of show always makes the gals at Hotel
Satire all teary-eyed with pride at the beauty of the US of A. 


Our news is also not about the reality show “Beauty and the
Geek” —although that show has an important lesson for
gals—i.e., to service any guy, no matter whether you like him
or not and to look good and show cleavage while doing it. 



S

o,
while the above are good lessons for gals, our most exciting news
is that the FDA has recently lifted the ban on “silicone gel-filled
breast implants after in-depth evaluation.” This is truly good
news for gals. 


According to the

FDA News

, “FDA has reviewed an extensive
amount of data from clinical trials of women studied for up to four
years, as well as a wealth of other information to determine the
benefits and risks of these products.… The extensive body of
scientific evidence provides reasonable assurance of the benefits
and risks of these devices.” Wow, reasonable assurance sounds
good. Although we’re wondering why, after “extensive data”
and “clinical trials,” the FDA has also mandated “a
large post-approval study of 40,000 women for 10 years after receiving
implants. But what the heck. 


Now you radfeminazis are probably ready to protest the FDA approval
based on “reasonable assurance.” The terroristic

Our
Bodies Ourselves

has even been


trying to educate gals
with such breast augmentation information as, “In 2005, more
than 360,000 women and teenagers underwent breast implant surgery
for augmentation” and a substantial percentage of these breast
enhanced gals require additional surgery after a number of years;
the high cost of removing them (over $6,000) if something goes wrong;
the fact that gals with implants for at least seven years are more
likely to die from brain cancer, lung cancer, and suicide. How breast
implants also interfere with cancer detection during mammograms;
they also affect the autoimmune system; may interfere with the ability
to breast-feed; cause infections and neurological, muscle, skin,
or joint symptoms; leak, scar, rupture, or infect. 


Puhlease! Death and leaking breasts are small prices to pay in order
to be a gal, i.e., reduced to the depth of ones cleavage. After
all, how can gals effectively cheer for their men as they vie on
the football or battle field if gals don’t have maximum bouncing
breasts and cleavage exposure on the sidelines?


Also, this silicone news is important for another reason. It highlights
gals’ importance as boosters, so to speak, of the economy.
For example, at the Mentor Corporation plant in Irving, Texas where
“breast implants resembling risen pizza dough” are stacked
on trays, the mood was upbeat because, based on FDA approval, the
Mentor Corporation was able to increase its projected revenues by
$25 million! 



N

ow
that we think of it, 360,000 beast implants a year and revenues
of a mere $24 million are not really enough. Clearly we need to
offer gals more incentive to augment. What if gals who had their
breasts generously gel-filled were rewarded with a chance to be
on “Cleavage and the Geek” where they can pose with creator
Ashton Kutcher’s head in their cleavage, among other exciting
cleavage-related activities. Also, non-citizen gals could be promised
citizenship following breast augmentation on a spin-off show called
“Cleavaged and Legal.” 


But wait! Speaking of incentives, how about offering non-citizen
guys a guest spot on a reality show called “Armed and Legal,”
which would feature gun-toting immigrants training for military
service for three weeks and then being sent to the border between
the U.S. and Mexico to arrest  other immigrants! 


Or we could combine the two shows into “Armed, Cleavaged, and
Legal” where well-cleavaged gals cheer and pose somewhere in
Iraq or Iran, while non-citizens guys strafe and maim. There could
be “I was busted on….” T-shirts for the both breast-enhanced
gals (if you catch our innuendo) and arrested guys. Or how about
a show where….?







Lydia
Sargent  is a co-founder of South End Press and



Z
Magazine



, where she has been on the staff since 1988.