Bush and Cheney Assault Cub Scout

I just received this news flash from the Faux News Service.


***The report could be construed highly offensive.***

(Not as offensive as, say, war crimes, but still . . . )


FAUX NEWS SERVICE, WASHINGTON, D.C. – Tourists standing outside the White House today witnessed a scene that most said would be forever seared into their memories. A video clip taken with a hand-held camera seems to verify their accounts.

According to eyewitnesses, at approximately 2:00 p.m., President Bush was seen chasing a Cub Scout around the White House lawn. Vice President Cheney, driving a golf cart, followed the pursuit, guffawing loudly and shouting, “Sic ’em, Georgie, sic ’em!”

At this point, a tourist began recording the spectacle with a hand-held camera. The resulting clip shows the president, wearing only a cowboy hat, cuffing a Cub Scout to the ground and ripping off his uniform. He then proceeds to sodomize the screaming boy, shoving the lad’s face into the lawn with one hand and waving his hat in the other, as if riding a bronco. Vice President Cheney, wearing nothing but pink leotards and a Kaiser helmet, is seen hovering nearby, occasionally slapping the president on the rear and shouting, “I got seconds! I got seconds!”

The video cuts to tourists clamoring for someone to help the boy and shocked parents shepherding their children from the horrific scene. The camera then pans back to the White House lawn, where Vice President Cheney is shown mounting the by-then unconscious child. A breathless President Bush staggers toward the fence, waving his penis with one hand and giving the finger with the other, screaming, “Executive privilege, motherf—ers! Executive privilege! Read the f—ing signing statements! I can do anything I want, motherf—ers!”

In a joint statement, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid agree that the incident is an egregious example of the executive branch’s out-of-control behavior.

“This is beyond the pale,” said Speaker Pelosi. “Goodness, the White House lawn! Is it too much to ask that the president and vice president rape children indoors? I mean, is the Lincoln Bedroom being painted? Is the Oval Office unavailable?”

Both leaders vow to hold the president and vice president directly accountable. They plan to introduce a resolution calling for the consideration of the possibility of holding an investigation into the feasibility of appointing a select committee to review the advisability of issuing a strongly worded letter of inquiry.

“We mean business!” said Senator Reid, waving a finger.

However, when pressed regarding calls for impeachment, Pelosi stated, “We feel that impeachment would be a distraction from the important legislative agenda we have proposed; besides, we just don’t have the votes. Politics is all about what’s possible.”

The White House has thus far refused to comment, other than to note that the “Democrat” leadership is once again overreacting and that the boy’s whereabouts and condition are classified and cannot be divulged without putting Americans in peril.

“Really, people,” said spokesperson Dana Perino. “It’s not like the president and vice president instigated an illegal war and killed a million people or something. Let’s remember that they are church-going, God-fearing Christian men of impeccable character. Anyway, you media elites are always whining that the president and vice president have been f—ing the entire world for years. What’s one more Cub Scout? C’mon! Let’s put this in perspective.”


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